Distilled Whimsy

From The Gadflyer, which is quickly becoming a favorite read of mine:

Bush's Presser: The Reader's Digest Version

Q: Sir, is Iraq becoming a Vietnam-style quagmire?
A: No.

Q: How long will US troops be in Iraq and how many more will be sent there?
A: As long and as many as I want.

Q: Sir, you and other administration officials said we’d be greeted as liberators by Iraqis, that oil revenue would pay for the reconstruction efforts, and that not only did Saddam have weapons of mass destruction but we knew exactly where they were. These were all wrong. Wasn’t this entire war built on a series of false premises?
A: No.

Q: Sir, you admitted to Bob Woodward that before 9/11 you didn’t feel a sense of urgency about Osama bin Laden. Do you feel any responsibility for the attacks?
A: No.

Q: Sir, whether it’s WMD, post-war planning in Iraq, or 9/11 you are never willing to admit a mistake. Were there any errors in judgment you made in any of these three areas?
A: No.

Q: Sir, you like to say that the August 6, 2001 intelligence briefing didn’t say al Qaeda was planning to fly planes into the World Trade Center at 8:48 a.m. on a sunny morning on September 11th as Mabel Johnson sat down to have a bagel at her house in Des Moines and a butterfly flapped its wings in Singapore, and therefore there was nothing “threatening” about the memo and no need for you to take action. But it did mention the likelihood of hijackings. Did the memo trigger you to take any action whatsoever to prevent even this kind of attack?
A: No.

Q: Sire, I’m from Fox News Channel. Isn’t 9/11 really all the FBI’s fault and you’re above reproach?
A: Yes.

Q: Sir, will you apologize to the families of the 9/11 victims?

A: Hell no.

Q: Sir, after the Americans and the British, the group with the most “guns on the ground” in Iraq are private security contractors, not other coalition countries. Do you have any plans on making this a true international coalition rather than a token one?
A: No.

Q: Sir, why are you insisting on testifying before the 9/11 commission with Vice President Cheney rather than by yourself as they requested?
A: I’m appearing because they asked.
Q: Sir, that wasn’t my question. My question was why do you need Cheney there to hold your hand?
A: Next.

Q: Sire, I’m from the Washington Times. Don’t you think your critics are hypocrites for accusing you of not acting preemptively before 9/11 but then attacking you for doing so in Iraq?
A: Yes.

Q: Sir, Americans don’t think you’re doing a very good job handling the crisis in Iraq and question your reasons for going there. This may cost you your job in November. Shouldn’t you maybe listen to their concerns?
A: No.

Q: Sir, what is the biggest mistake you’ve made as president and what lesson did you learn from it.
A [ACTUAL ANSWER]: Hmmm. I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it. I'm sure historians will look back and say, Gosh, he could have done it better this way or that way. You know, I just ...

[LONG SILENCE]

[Crickets chirp.]

[Tumbleweed blows by.]

...I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference with all the pressure of trying to come up with an answer, but it hadn't yet. You know, I hope I don't want to sound like I've made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't — you just put me under the spot here and maybe I'm not quick, as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one.

Q: Sir, you mentioned yesterday that you’d be interested in reforming the intelligence community. But that takes presidential leadership. Do you plan on providing any?
A: No.

Q: Sir, you avoid press conferences like the plague. Are you a poor communicator and have you failed to make your case to the American people?
A: No. And when I say something I mean it.

After all, the credibility of the United States is at stake.

Harr harr! It's funny 'cause it's true! D'oh!